I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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