you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
