I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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