You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
