Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
