Welp...herpes.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You are the jesus of drinking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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