wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
are you so shy because you have an std?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
