Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
