forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
