Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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