there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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