Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize