I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm too high and old for this...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
