and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
