I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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