It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
