it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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