that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I smell like Dick and happiness
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
