He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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