oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
