the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
