Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
