I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
