a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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