Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
