I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
