I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
