In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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