He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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