Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
