If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
