we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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