I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
