How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
