so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
