a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
