i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
