just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
