you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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