You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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