I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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