the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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