Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
