Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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