literally had 100 drinks last night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
