I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
