Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
