I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't make out with my wife yet
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
