yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
