I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
