Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
