Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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