what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
it's like heaven, but drunker
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
