...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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