So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
