My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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