Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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