Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
