apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
