i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize