she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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