This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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