you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize