I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
