ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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