Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
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