we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
