I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Do you remember whose house we're in?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
