i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize