Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
