Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
