New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We left an ass print on the piano.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
