I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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