Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
