the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
