Got a toothbrush?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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