I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
